This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Schools

Westwood Parents Get a Rundown on Bullying

A presentation Monday night touched on the differences between bullying and peer conflict, as well as ways to prevent bullying.

Certified Human Behavior Consultant Jeanine Fitzgerald knows more than a thing or two about bullying and peer conflicts.

On Monday night at Westwood High School, Fitzgerald gave a presentation to about 30 parents on how to differentiate what is and what is not bullying, and gave tips on how to prevent bullying issues.

“There are very distinct differences between peer conflicts and bullying,” she explained Monday night.

Find out what's happening in Westwoodwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Fitzgerald told the parents that peer conflict, which can be between peers or siblings, has a balance of power. In the end, nobody feels like they were taken advantage of, she said.

On the other hand, with bullying, there is an imbalance and misuse of power, she added, and explained that a child is a bully when they misuse power with the intention of causing harm. Also, she said it is a pattern repeated over time.

Find out what's happening in Westwoodwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Peer conflicts, meanwhile, are either isolated or occasional, she said, which differs from the unrelenting pattern with bullying. In peer conflict, there is not usually an intention to cause harm, even though the result could involve someone getting hurt, Fitzgerald said, using an example of two children fighting over a toy in which one child gets hurt, but the intention was only to get the toy.

Also, during a peer conflict, Fitzgerald said, there are similar emotional reactions, while bullying has an imbalance of emotions. The bully oftentimes feels a sense of excitement about this with little to no remorse. The child who is targeted feels extraordinary amounts of fear, to the point where they feel terrorized.

Every day, there are 160,000 children who miss some sort of classroom activity due to the fear of being attacked, she said, adding that statistics have shown there are currently 2.6 million bullies and 3.1 million victims, or targets as she calls them.

“I believe that children will not leave childhood without some experience of aggression or violence,” said Fitzgerald.

When parents experience bullying, they do not want to bring the bully and the victim together. But, Fitzgerald explained, there is no solution until you work with the bully to change their behavior, as well as working with the target to become more assertive.

Fitzgerald gave four major influences on those who become a bully with three coming straight from home. The one that does not come from home life is temperament.

The other three influences are:

  1. Permissiveness to aggressive behavior. This could be with siblings who are highly aggressive to each other or it could be that there is a high level of arguing between adults in front of children. Also, she said that a problem begins when parents agress towards the child or the child is hitting the parents.
  2. Adult/Child relationship that lacks warmth and involvement.
  3. When adults use power assertion methods of discipline. This involves things like spanking, guilt trips and shame. Fitzgerald said it should not be in the vocabulary of an adult to say things like “you are a big girl now” or “you are acting like you’re 2.”

Fitzgerald said that bullying roles can be taken upon as early as the age of 2. When parents have children that are in the bullying role, she had a few recommendations:

  1. Establish rules in homes and classrooms. The rule needs to be direct and has to be a negative. For example, say “Hurting will not be tolerated in this house or classroom.” However, she said to not have negative consequences.
  2. Increase adult supervision. Proximity of adults decreases bullying. Make sure you have global vision.
  3. Have a curriculum that teaches anger management.
  4. Every environment, home and classroom needs a safe space.

If the child is a target, Fitzgerald has recommendations as well:

  1. Always tell the children to not put themselves in position of being alone. A lot of times these children can be loners, Fitzgerald said, adding that teaching them to be assertive is helpful.
  2. Believe them. It is difficult for a child who is being bullied to talk to their parents. Traditionally, bullied victimes don't want anyone to find out, Fitzgerald said.
  3. Tell them the difference between telling and taddling. You can tell in assertiveness. Fitzgerald explained that parents find that children who are bullies communicate aggressively and targets communicate passively.

Fitzgerald said that 25 percent of children who are bullies end up in jail and 50 percent end up with a conduct disorder. But she said things can be helped by all parties, including bystanders.

“Bystanders can stop the hurt at any moment in time,” said Fitzgerald.

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?